Camoflage

is nature's craftiest trick.

Exciting things...

are beginning to happen.

Including performing infront of famous people! Gah/eee.

I shouldn't have had

that dream. It felt alive.

Childhood.

The curtain fell and all of the children filtered off the stage, bouquets in hand. I was empty handed. It was mostly just flower heads that had fallen but between my ballet shoes was a single rose. I picked it up, closed my eyes and imagined my mum presenting it to me. It was the best moment of my life. Then I opened my eyes. I knew that someone would come to clean up soon so I ran around the stage picking up all of the remains hoping to salvage a make-shift bouquet. It wouldn't be perfect but at least they wouldn't ask me why my mum hadn't gotten me flowers. I managed to collect a few flowers of different colours and sorts and stick some lone flower heads inbetween, all tied together by my ballet belt. When people asked, I swelled with pride and said that they were from my mum. I met my mum outside. She took one look at my creation and asked what I'd done that for. I told her as I told her every year that everyone on stage gets flowers from their parents and that flowers mean well done.

The next year, I was getting ready to go back on stage, flowerless, when I saw a huge bouquet on my table. I wandered over feeling nosey, peeked at the tag and there was my name...in my mum's handwriting! I paraded around the whole room so that everybody had seen before I stepped on stage with the biggest smile I had ever posessed. I met my mum outside the stage door and said thank you about ten times. She replied with "Well I didn't want people to think i'd given you that thing you were carrying around last year." The next year my table was empty.

Retrospect.

I wrote your name in glitter and you wrote over it in pen so that it would stay. It's still there, I checked. I remember the sunlight making your hair transparent, running through grass that had grown to our knees, falling and staying there because once we were hidden we didn't have to pretend we didn't like each other as much as we did. I remember that I wasn't ashamed of my sweat patches or that my trousers were falling down. Nothing mattered because we didn't care.

Sick

Vomit
Heave
Hurl
Puke
Regurgitate
Retch
Throw up
Spew
Hack

Lollipop

Things not to say:

- It was for the best
- At least you know you can get pregnant.
- Something was probably wrong with it.
- Maybe God knows you are not ready to have children.
- Take my kids for an afternoon, and I promise you won't be so sad about losing the baby.
- Be glad. Having a baby changes your life; think of all the fun things you wouldn't have been able to do anymore.
- It wasn't a real baby.
- You're young. You'll get pregnant again.
- It happens all the time; it's nothing to worry about.
- At least your baby wasn't very old.
- It wasn't meant to be.
- It probably happened because ______________.
- At least you can concentrate on more important things now.
- You can have another.
- These things happend for a reason.
- You should wait now.
- Did they say it was anything you'd done?
- She probably doesn't have time for you, she's got a kid.
- At least you have your cats.

Plus, it's okay for ME to say any of these things but it's not okay for someone else to say them. If I have said any of these things it's usually to stop other people talking or to stop them feeling awkward, I have and would never mean it.

Right things to say:

- So sorry you lost your child?!?!
- I'm here for you.
- I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through.
- I am so sorry for your loss, I know how much you wanted that baby.

Sometimes no words are needed, just a hug or a touch can say a thousand words. I'll know if you mean it. I know that a lot of the people who have said the above things are in no way spiteful but that doesn't stop it being the wrong thing to say. The amazing thing is, these things haven't been said by people who don't know any better, they've been said by my friends and mostly by my family. The important thing to understand is that people don't want to brush away or "forget" what's happened to them. If someone's mum died, you wouldn't say "maybe it was for the best", or "at least you've still got your dad". It's the same in this instance.

I will not even for a second be happy until I have my baby in my arms and I will never get over the loss of my first child. I've never been part of a real family and anyone who can't understand that I need this can easily be cut out of my life. I don't care about my career and I don't care if people judge me. I don't care if people think i'm doing the wrong thing, if you knew me well enough or cared about how I felt at all, you'd know that isn't the case.

My cat.

My cat has begun acting strangely...he comes upstairs at 5am every morning, scratches the mirror and miaows. He gets plenty of attention all day and has only recently started doing it. I check the time when he does it and it's always 5am! He's really persistant and doesn't stop until he's either on my pillow or let outside...mummy is worried about her kitty!

You're all too lucky

to moan as much as you do. Despite everything that's happened to me, i'm very lucky. I know that everyone moans and we all need to but most people I know don't even realise how lucky they actually are. Think small :).

This secret

is trying to inch its way out of me.