I've come to realise that the reason most people complain about little things is because they usually haven't had many big things happen to them...or enough...or something significant enough to make them feel greatful for everything they have. So maybe I shouldn't blame them. I do get angry at them though and even at times think that they're selfish...because most people have been through more than you can know by just talking to them. Life isn't fair and everyone knows this but it's not unfair if you lose some money or break something because that happens to everyone. Unfortunately, so does death. If an old person dies, it's still horrible for everyone who loses them but it's not 'unfair'. Unfair is dying when you still have plenty of life left to live. I've been through more deaths than most people I know and I still don't think MY life is unfair. I decided that this year I would write down every day a reason why I am lucky, even if it's a horrible day. This is how it's going.
I am lucky because
01/01/2010 - I have a man who loves me
02/01/2010 - My family help me out whenever they can
03/01/2010 - My grandparents are still here
04/01/2010 - I got to rescue and care for two lovely cats
05/01/2010 - I have a bed to be warm and snuggly in
06/01/2010 - Victoria park looks beautiful covered in snow and I live just down the road
07/01/2010 - I just felt my baby kick
08/01/2010 - My baby is viable today
09/01/2010 - My fiance makes me laugh
10/01/2010 - I have central heating
11/01/2010 - My baby is healthy and I have a good strong body to carry her
12/01/2010 - I believe in karma
13/01/2010 - My fiance thinks i'm the most beautiful woman in the world
14/01/2010 - I have a few friends who actually still think about me
15/01/2010 - I don't want to be friends with immature people anyway
16/01/2010 - I don't have any stretch marks (yet) *touch wood*
17/01/2010 - My parents saved everything from when I was born
18/01/2010 - I have friends who know how to listen
19/01/2010 - Going through a lot has made me have a better perspective on life than most
20/01/2010 - I have my own space
21/01/2010 - I've realised why I get underestimated and I started to change that today
22/01/2010 - I had a very nice indian with my fiance and my parents tonight that we wouldn't have been able to afford on our own
23/01/2010 - The in-laws brought us some nice baby things including the bedding we want
24/01/2010 - Even if I don't see my best friend for ages it's never awkward
25/01/2010 - We got 6 fishies today
26/01/2010 - My favourite kind of weather is playing today. Sunny, crisp and clear
27/01/2010 - I am warm
28/01/2010 - My cat has the cutest miaow in the world
29/01/2010 - I saw mars tonight
30/01/2010 - Phil saw our baby dancing in my belly
31/01/2010 - We have almost everything we need for a baby (with a lot of help from our parents!)
01/02/2010 - My cat slept on my pillow and I fell asleep to his purr
02/02/2010 - I have food
Tuesday 2 February 2010
Monday 2 November 2009
Tuesday 6 October 2009
Monday 5 October 2009
Friday 2 October 2009
Childhood.
The curtain fell and all of the children filtered off the stage, bouquets in hand. I was empty handed. It was mostly just flower heads that had fallen but between my ballet shoes was a single rose. I picked it up, closed my eyes and imagined my mum presenting it to me. It was the best moment of my life. Then I opened my eyes. I knew that someone would come to clean up soon so I ran around the stage picking up all of the remains hoping to salvage a make-shift bouquet. It wouldn't be perfect but at least they wouldn't ask me why my mum hadn't gotten me flowers. I managed to collect a few flowers of different colours and sorts and stick some lone flower heads inbetween, all tied together by my ballet belt. When people asked, I swelled with pride and said that they were from my mum. I met my mum outside. She took one look at my creation and asked what I'd done that for. I told her as I told her every year that everyone on stage gets flowers from their parents and that flowers mean well done.
The next year, I was getting ready to go back on stage, flowerless, when I saw a huge bouquet on my table. I wandered over feeling nosey, peeked at the tag and there was my name...in my mum's handwriting! I paraded around the whole room so that everybody had seen before I stepped on stage with the biggest smile I had ever posessed. I met my mum outside the stage door and said thank you about ten times. She replied with "Well I didn't want people to think i'd given you that thing you were carrying around last year." The next year my table was empty.
The next year, I was getting ready to go back on stage, flowerless, when I saw a huge bouquet on my table. I wandered over feeling nosey, peeked at the tag and there was my name...in my mum's handwriting! I paraded around the whole room so that everybody had seen before I stepped on stage with the biggest smile I had ever posessed. I met my mum outside the stage door and said thank you about ten times. She replied with "Well I didn't want people to think i'd given you that thing you were carrying around last year." The next year my table was empty.
Retrospect.
I wrote your name in glitter and you wrote over it in pen so that it would stay. It's still there, I checked. I remember the sunlight making your hair transparent, running through grass that had grown to our knees, falling and staying there because once we were hidden we didn't have to pretend we didn't like each other as much as we did. I remember that I wasn't ashamed of my sweat patches or that my trousers were falling down. Nothing mattered because we didn't care.
Monday 28 September 2009
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